What Makes a Marriage Last?

A friend recently posted a link on Facebook that talks about the high cost of weddings in recent years. In fact, according to the article, the average cost is $35,000! That simply blows my mind. I'm pretty sure my hubby and I didn't even make that much money the first year we were married. 

July 17, 1993

Almost 25 years ago we said 'I do.' We planned the wedding in two mere months. It was simple out of necessity since we were determined to be married and quickly! We didn't have time to create anything elaborate. Although, my fabulous mother-in-law did create my wedding dress. Yes, in two months I was crazy enough to ask my sweet mother-in-law to sew my wedding dress and she did. She'll tell you that she had nightmares the stitches would fall out and it would come apart at the wedding. I can tell you it's still hanging, in one piece, in my closet all these years later. 

And not only was I crazy enough to have my dress made, but all four bridesmaids and the maid of honor had theirs sewn as well. My aunt made two of them and was sewing in zippers the night before. I was just too naive and in love to realize the task I was asking having never sewed a single article of clothing together in my life. 

The wedding party - it started out much smaller...

We used all the connections we had to create our special day. We heard of a friend-of-a-friend who was just starting out doing photographer and we were able to book her for our wedding. A friend's dad had some video equipment and offered to do a video for us. My parents both worked part-time at the local YMCA so we were able to get their function room for free. We had a potluck meal for the reception asking close friends and family to make items to share. Some of my friends moms manned it so the food would stay replenished. My mother-in-law had a friend who made cakes and offered to do one for a very reasonable cost. I bought "fill-in-the-blank" wedding invitations and hand wrote all one hundred we sent out. My mother worked her regular job next to a florist who gave her an amazing deal on the flowers. The list could go on and on. 

All told we spent about one thousand dollars on our small wedding which included the cost of our wedding rings. They were made by my hubby's uncle who is a jeweler. We had about seventy-five people who ended up being able to come on such short notice. We were wed by my childhood pastor in a small church in a town near where I had grown up. My uncle drove us to the reception in his convertible. 

I never once regretted our low cost option. After all, the important thing to remember is that the ceremony doesn't make the wedding. It's what comes after. It's the hard work you put in daily to ensure that your marriage survives all the things life throws at you. Children. Work. Money conflict. Illness. Deaths. You name it. 

When two imperfectly, sinful, selfish people get married (look deep, we all have these tendencies) and have the "perfect" wedding, what are they left with when it's all over? A divorce in less than ten years most likely. 

It's what happens beyond the ceremony that counts. It's the ability to say "I'm sorry. Will you forgive me" readily and easily. It's the "I love yous" said with the utmost sincerity. It's picking up the socks left on the floor for the umpteenth time without saying anything sarcastic. It's praising your spouse, when they aren't there, to other people instead of complaining about the petty annoyances. And trust me, most of them are petty annoyances. 

And the most important thing to remember? God. Remember the imperfectly, sinful, and selfish part we all have? The only way to overcome our innate sinful nature is to bring God into the mix. 

Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:

If either of them falls down,

    one can help the other up.

But pity anyone who falls

    and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.

    But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,

    two can defend themselves.

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
-Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

God is the one that makes the imperfect perfect, the selfish more giving, and the sinful forgiven. When God is first and foremost in your relationship, you begin to see things in a different light. A light that helps you to be all those things we strive for on a daily basis. It doesn't mean we won't mess up. Trust me, I can say after all these years that you will mess up, sometimes badly. However, you will find it easier and easier to make amends each time. And it's those hard times that shape us and grow our relationships. Don't shy away from them. Lean in and learn from them. Learn how to love each other better because in the end, it's not the ceremony that counts the most, it's all the years lived well after the event.

Boldness in the Midst of Fear

One emotion I have always struggled with is fear. It was always driving me and my reactions and emotions. 

I can remember being in kindergarten and being so afraid I would miss the bus to go home. I never did. Transitioning from the small elementary school to the multi-level floor middle school caused much anxiety and fear in me. It was a new situation. New situations were always cause for worry, anxiety, and fear. 

As I've aged, and hopefully grown in wisdom, things have grown somewhat easier. Has my fear disappeared? No, new situations still cause me some level of fear and anxiousness. However, I married a man who views life as an adventure to discover. 

He helps me to see the wonder of new things. And how there really is nothing that can't be overcome when its encountered. One doesn't have to know everything that is going to happen before it happens. This is coming from an Eagle Scout who lives by the motto "always be prepared." 

A few years ago we went on a week long trip to Canada for our 20th wedding anniversary. I busily began to plan it all out. His one request was to not plan every single minute of every single day. I wanted to...badly! However, I agreed to his request. We went into our adventure with hotel reservations for the nights we needed them (one thing I insisted on) but only a general idea of what we would do each day. It allowed for adventuring to happen. 

I have a small desk in our bedroom where I do my quiet time. When a verse I'm reading strikes me, I often write it on a post it note so I can see it. I had a verse from Isaiah 41 written down as well as a quote about fear I had read in a book. 

Just recently I noticed my husband had added some more encouragement for me. This is one of many reasons why I adore him. 

Fear doesn't rule my life any longer like it once did. I still do like to know what's happening. I like to have a plan for my day, week, month, life, well, you get the picture. But I'm constantly brought back to the verse I have posted at the top of this post..."For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." (2 Timothy 1:7 NLT). 

Constancy Day

Sunrise from our hotel room

This past weekend my hubby whisked me away for a romantic weekend together. Our two older boys were gone to a youth group event all weekend. Our youngest went to stay at a friend's house. It was, in a word, heavenly.

I very much enjoy spending time with my hubby. I suppose that's a good thing! This July we will be celebrating 22 years of marriage. This past weekend we celebrated "Constancy Day."

What? You have never heard of that? Well, neither had I until my hubby decided to celebrate it.

Here is what he posted on his Facebook page Sunday morning:

Lisa B...was not always Lisa B.... She was, once upon a time, Lisa G.... She changed her name when she married me in July of 1993. On that day, she was 21 years, 8 months, and 14 days of age.

Today is not our anniversary. But as of today, we have been married 21 years, 8 months, and 14 days. Today marks the day that she has spent half her life as my wife. Today she will be married to me longer than she was not.

I know this is not some traditional celebration or holiday. But to me, this is a special day because this wonderful woman chose to dedicate herself to me for life. Today marks her commitment: she has been a B.... longer than a G.... I know some folks do not feel that a name change at marriage is necessary, and maybe it is not. But to me, this is something special: a sacrifice she made and a sign of her vow. 

I fully appreciate the job Bob and Joyce did raising this woman. But she is a B... through and through. Today I celebrate it with Constancy Day!

And yes, he did the math. He's an engineer after all. He even told me he was going to celebrate this moment months ago but that I would forget he ever mentioned it. He was right.

We had a lovely weekend away and I doubt I'll forget March 1, 2015 any time soon.